Dear Zander, I Apologize

I have many reasons to apologize to you, my miracle child. I love you so much and I've only ever wanted the best for you. I have made bad decisions and I was too young and naive to make the right choices. You are such a wonderful, bright child and you do not deserve to be traumatized, as you most surely will when you are yanked from the family you know so well, into the arms of a complete stranger.

I apologize that your young life has known many changes and turmoils, and will know more within the year to come.

I apologize that you don't even know your biological father. Even though my reasons were sound and just for leaving him, I am still sorry that your life is going to be all the more difficult because of it.

I apologize for the way that your father is. I can't speak for him and I hope when you are older you can be strong.

I was young and in love, and very naive. I honestly believed I was in love with your father. You were created in love, and I want you to remember that no matter the animosity you may see between your parents in the years to come. I want you to know everything, from the beginning. And that's what these letters to you are for.

You are only 3 1/2 years old, and yet shortly after your 4th birthday, your world will be yanked out from under your tiny feet. I look into your big, innocent brown eyes and wish that you could understand me when I explain everything to you, tell you to be strong, that I am trying my best to protect you. There are so many people here, where you belong, that love you so much. It pains us to no end realizing we are powerless to stop you from being taken from us.

You see, Zander, your father is not an American citizen. He's from a different country, on a different continent, with a different culture and lifestyle. I fought to keep your visitations here, but I was weak. I wasn't as cunning, as manipulative, as ruthless as I needed to be. And for that, I am sincerely sorry. Even though it seems that all I do is to keep you from your father, that is not the truth. I wanted him in your life as I know all little boys need their father. I wouldn't mind if he visited you all the time. But I am doing all in my power to stop you from seeing your father in his country. There are many things you don't understand. I am here to explain, in the only way I know how.

Remember, my son, I love you more than words can possibly express. I want you to know, years from now, that I have only wanted what was best for you. We all love you, your family here, and we hurt just knowing the hurt you will experience.

I love you, you are my world!

Sincerely,
Your Mommy